tossed in

I feel like I was tossed into this world unprepared. I was taught by my surroundings that I had to earn the right to be myself. Forced to go to school or face grave consequences, scared into going to college or face grave consequences, scared into working hard for money so that someday I can actually be free to be myself! It’s struggle, struggle, fight, and win. Except it’s all wrong.

I don’t blame my parents or anyone else, because I see this as “normal” for our society (in fact, I think I was highly fortunate in the amount of freedom I had in my upbringing). Our society, all of my ancestors and others in the community had a collective karma that played itself out on me much as it does on all young people to this day.

From what I can tell, being free most likely has nothing to do with having money. I’ve gone from having very little (negative net worth) to having very much, and the amount I have doesn’t seem to affect my feeling of freedom one bit. Except in the sense that I *thought* it would, so much that I was unable to open fully to other possibilities until I “reached my goal” (in quotes because it’s a phony notion).

Freedom seems to have much more to do with internal things, like ethics and acting kindly towards others. Maybe it boils down to what’s running through the mind all day long. Is it thoughts of joy, compassion, freedom? Or toil, fear, struggle? What is the cause of these thoughts and can these causes be changed?

And I hope that you are having, the time of your life
But think twice, that’s my only advice

– Gnarls Barkley, Crazy

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