so many fears

An inadequate attempt to broadcast a few of my fears, so they might stop eating me up quite so much.

  • I’m afraid that I’m unable to have a deep connection with anyone except myself. That I shall be doomed to loneliness for the long term. Maybe I’ll be a grouchy old hermit. Or a grumpy old Scrooge.
  • I’m afraid of owning up to the possibility that I’ve just been wasting my time. So much time spent, and now I’m alone. It sounds kind of selfish when I read it, but there it is. I think about the future, and if I could ever get to a relationship where I feel as connected, and it seems impossible. Even if it were possible, it might not pan out again, so why bother?
    This quote from some Zen master comes to mind (though he’s laughing about it, and I’m crying about it, but whatev): “Ho ho. For forty years I have been selling water down by the river, and my efforts are entirely without merit.”
  • I’m afraid of the reevaluation that has to take place, that has already started to take place. What am I doing here? How much of my life was built on smoke, and doesn’t make sense anymore? The way I thought about the future was obviously wrong, but that’s just the tip of the reevaluation iceburg. Is my job right anymore? Would I have had the courage to come here alone? Do I have the courage to stay? What about my social life (or lack thereof)? Am I just too much of a pigheaded jackass to have one? How about my daily habits, and my diet? Life at all, if it’s just being wrong over and over again and feeling like this? Just how fucking deep does it go? (if anyone’s actually reading this, please don’t call the psychos in on me, I’m not about to kill myself. I still think it’s a valid question to consider though.)

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