So I talked about “going crazy” as if it was this great thing that I was working on. When I was a teenager, I was thinking I could always go crazy if things got too bad (as an alternative to suicide and continuing to put up with the pain). Right now, the thought has occurred in much the same fashion, but it doesn’t feel nearly so simple as it did in my memory. It feels a little more like running away now, as in if it gets too bad I can always quit my life and run away somewhere else and do something else. But what if “whereever I go, there I will be” as the wisdom goes—depending on what I’m running from, I can’t actually get away? So this option, like everything else, seems a lot less straight forward now, when the world is falling down around me.
I apologize to the gentle reader for the arrogance of my previous post on the matter.