Does anyone else feel like when they write out their feelings like this, it’s so inadequate that they just wish they hadn’t? The urge in me to delete is very strong, but I’m trying not to be such a sissy for once.
An inadequate attempt to broadcast a few of my fears, so they might stop eating me up quite so much.
How’s this for fucked up? I don’t believe in shame, but I feel ashamed.
I feel like I’ve let down family, and let down myself. I should have been paying more attention, keeping it together. I was blind. And if it’s not because of me, then I should have known better to begin with.
Think of a time when you were really vocal about something, and strong in your defense of it. Then you turned out to be totally wrong. And maybe you hurt someone along the way. Then stretch it out—imagine you were pigheaded for a really long time, like years. Then it came to light just how much of a dufus you really are. How do you feel now, jackass?
A month ago the prospect of me being possessive, defensive, and closed was out of character. My philosophy is clear: people stay with each other because they choose to, not because they have to. To cling to the way things “should be” is just asking for pain.
So what the hell happened? Why does it feel so wrong to just let go?
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
It’s rare to find words that really resonate like these. Especially “blown apart”. Just thinking about those words brings laughter and tears all at the same time, because it just feels so accurate.
There’s this later part in the same song (Graceland, by the way), which made more sense this time around than it has ever before:
There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself the human trampoline
And sometimes when I’m falling, flying
Or tumbling in turmoil I say
Whoa, so this is what she means
She means we’re bouncing into Graceland
So I talked about “going crazy” as if it was this great thing that I was working on. When I was a teenager, I was thinking I could always go crazy if things got too bad (as an alternative to suicide and continuing to put up with the pain). Right now, the thought has occurred in much the same fashion, but it doesn’t feel nearly so simple as it did in my memory. It feels a little more like running away now, as in if it gets too bad I can always quit my life and run away somewhere else and do something else. But what if “whereever I go, there I will be” as the wisdom goes—depending on what I’m running from, I can’t actually get away? So this option, like everything else, seems a lot less straight forward now, when the world is falling down around me.
I apologize to the gentle reader for the arrogance of my previous post on the matter.
It spins and reels and turns upside down. The earth comes out from underneath. There’s nothing quite like it. From the outside, looking in on the one being spun, it always looks so much simpler; that’s because to the observer, the world is pretty much staying put, just the spinner is spinning. When you’re the one spinning, you don’t have the luxury of greater perspective.
It’s very difficult to make decisions when the world spins. When your reference points are constantly shifting, you don’t know how to get there from here, or even which way you want to get, for that matter.
I thought I was making decisions based on some system, but once things didn’t turn out how I wanted them to, can I trust that system? And I’ve never been one to trust someone else’s system. That leaves me with an open question: how the hell to make any decisions at all and trust in them? Even basic ones like whether to get out of bed in the morning. Go with the flow, keep options open? What if you don’t even trust that you know which decision will keep options open?
There’s little question about whether or not I’m alive, though. Feelings have an incredible way of pointing that little fact out.
The active approach
diving in and out
trying to get ahead
sometimes it works
sometimes it fails
sometimes it fails badly
The passive approach
staying the course
accepting the status quo
active ones maintain
passive ones maintain
when the shit
hits the fan