Also known as roughly the greatest Star Trek TNG episode ever. Everyone's memory is erased, so they don't know who they are or their relationship to each other. But they still have their basic character, and you can see how this plays out without the limitations imposed by their preexisting relationships with each other. It's very well done---I didn't notice any times when people acted as though they had a memory.

All the elements of a great Star Trek episode are present: Data being super analytical about his situation, analyzing all possible origins of himself completely objectively; Worf being a super badass battle-focused Klingon; and Riker getting it on with two women only to be shot down by both once their memories return.

It really sucked me in and got me thinking like I would if my memory wasn't there. Feels kinda like it would be liberating, or something. I'm too sleepy to think hard about why I found this profound, so you'll just have to trust me, it was :P.



man, I'm weird.



night o' film

First, we've got Look Around You (thanks xwjl), which I'm sure lots of geeks who are paying more attention know about. Anyway, if you're in a british humor type of mood, this is pretty whacked, and there's lots of it.

Then we've got a brief Barack Obama interlude:

And it's time to settle into some star trek.

sweet, sweet gym

so easy to forget what a little exercise can do for the mind. especially when it's all screwed up.



Dear world,

I am fucked.

Every time I think I'm okay, I wake up at 2am and realize what has happened to my world. This is NOT OK.



what is phauna.org?

I created a page about what this site is (hint: it's not about software viruses!).



my normal approach is useless here

Thanks xkcd!

I would go so far as to say it's not just useless, but actually harmful.

pain is

realizing that everything I thought I was is wrong
realizing that I've been hurting the person most important in my life
feeling grief built up over many years all come out at once
being afraid of myself



Ah, the timely nature of the fortune program:

"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."

-- Margaret Anderson


Dick Cheney in '94

I don't usually consider moveon.org a particularly reputable source of information, but I came across this video there after some random browsing led me to the site. It's kind of remarkable how well Dick Cheney describes the reasons invading Iraq is a bad idea, and how correct he was.

times like these

times like these you feel very sorry for every mean thing you've ever done
times like these you feel sorry every time you were not compassionate at someone else's pain
times like these you cry just seeing a perfect stranger going about his ordinary business
times like these you love everyone except yourself
times like these you swear you'll never look down at anyone else's pain again
times like these are too easy to forget

Close it off?

Closing off would stop the pain. I could just tighten up, try hard, and tell myself it's not meant to be and keep my feelings to myself. Heck, maybe I'd get over it.

I don't want to. I don't want to be alone. And I truly believe there's something special there, that won't be found easily again (well, what I actually feel like saying is "can never be found"). So I choose pain and love, at least for now. How long will it keep up?

Why...? Why.. why.


What's going on?

What is happening? Why is it happening? What am I doing? What should I do?

I feel so alone. Dreadfully alone.

Is there a bottom to the grief?

A picture, it's kinda how I feel right now (after the crying):



  1. think

  2. get confused and tense

  3. if unlucky, act on #2, and do or say something stupid

  4. cry

  5. love

  6. if lucky, act on #5

  7. goto #1

ATB-Stars come out

Thanks again Eunice. I'm trying to see the stars coming out. Maybe you are one of them, and Mom, and wjl. And the deep feelings of love that I'm discovering I've always had but never known. Even if she won't accept it, it's still there.


Ah, to be young, alive..

..madly in love, and totally confused. When was the last time you felt like an adolescent all over again? We look back on our adolescence and say "it was hard, but now I'm wiser for it." Ha ha, if life has in store for you the magic sauce that it does for me, you'll eat those words.


world, you rock my world

world, you rock my world.

if this were your last day on earth

If this were your last day on earth, how would you go about relating to people, what would you tell your family, what risks would you take?

This is a quote from my current hero Eunice Chen on facebook (hope it's okay that I link here Eunice!). It's powerful stuff.

Especially for me. I'm an investor by nature, often thinking/planning for some distant future, or even just the next thing or the next day. Perhaps I'm selling water down by the river, and in 40 years I'll realize that my efforts are entirely without merit.

I guess I can't take the quote too seriously, though. If I took risks like it were my last day on earth, my last day on earth would probably be much sooner :). And there's a certain type of satisfaction that can't be had without giving patience and diligence over a long period of time.

But there's something to be learned by asking yourself that question, at different stages in your life. It certainly poked holes in my reality.

Update: Eunice pointed out that she actually didn't write it and it's from some blog.


First, for xwjl. Thanks for a good old late night talking/hacking session that could not have been more timely. Let's do it more often! There is much work to be done on the masterpiece:

And next, for Mom. Thank you for being aware, in touch, and supportive as you always have been. I love you!