2008-07-31

what the hell happened to me?

A month ago the prospect of me being possessive, defensive, and closed was out of character. My philosophy is clear: people stay with each other because they choose to, not because they have to. To cling to the way things "should be" is just asking for pain.

So what the hell happened? Why does it feel so wrong to just let go?



For one thing, I didn't understand the depth of my own feelings. I thought I did, but I clearly did not, and this is further reason for pause because it implies that I probably still don't.

Then I stumbled on this this . Which is a little weird because "set them free" is treated as a choice but it isn't really a choice, as far as I can tell. But the last part, about not just letting it pass you by, is what resonates.

I'm afraid I've been miscommunicating, and just letting go is sending more of the wrong signal: that I don't care either way, that I never have. I'm afraid that what's been on the inside all along hasn't ever made it to the outside.

I'm the kind of person that can end up doing nothing if I don't think I'm ready to do it right. For a trivial example, it's probably why I don't post here more often---I want it to be my best, and that means I have to be in the right state of mind, which is rare, so I end up not doing it. In fact, it's so pervasive it's kept this post from being published for a day and a half now.

I think I do that with expressing love too.

And now it's too late.

Any attempt to show what's really going on will just come across as clinging to something that's not there, a desperate attempt to maintain the status quo. After so much reinforcement of the false "worn piece of clothing" take, I would be skeptical of a change in behavior too.

So that leaves me, roughly, fucked.

How do I stop fucking myself? Start seizing the moments when I get them, and quit being so damn self-critical and hesitant all the time? What good does it do if you love people but never express it?

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